


if being afraid is a crime

by bestliars



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Florida Panthers, M/M, University of Minnesota
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-07-04
Packaged: 2018-04-07 05:03:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4250379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bestliars/pseuds/bestliars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He doesn’t miss Kyle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if being afraid is a crime

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ionthesparrow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ionthesparrow/gifts).



> the title is from “swinging party” by the replacements cause good minnesota boys deserve good minnesota songs.

The best thing about playing in Florida is the weather.

The worst thing about playing in Florida is the weather.

He’s so pale, he can’t go anywhere without worrying about sunburn. He misses the snow. He misses having to shovel his truck off before going anywhere — really, he does. Not every day, but sometimes. Sometimes he is really disappointed that he never has to scrape ice off his windshield, or kick snow off his back tires, or shovel his way out of the driveway. He has all these skills that he isn’t using because the weather’s too nice. 

 

The best thing about playing in Florida is that Kyle isn’t there.

The worst thing about playing in Florida is that Kyle isn’t there.

The best thing about playing in Florida is that Kyle will be there someday.

The worst thing about playing in Florida is that Kyle might be there someday. Or maybe he won’t.

Nick spent two years playing on the same line as Kyle, who is probably his best friend in the entire world. Something like that anyway. There isn’t anyone else like Kyle in his life.

 

They got so good at being incomplete on their own. They got so good at being together. They played on the same line; they walked down University from the arena past the frat houses into Dinkytown to get food; Kyle would sit in his bed eating crackers and sometimes he’d fall asleep there; they sat next to each other and studied, or pretend to study; sometimes they had sex.

There isn’t anyone else like Kyle. When Kyle is in Minnesota, and Nick is in Florida, Nick can feel how Kyle isn’t there. He doesn’t miss Kyle; that isn’t the right word for it. Nick isn’t sure what the right world would be, or if the right word exists. It must though. He can’t believe that his relationship with Kyle is so singular that no one has come up with a word for what it feels like when they’re apart.

He doesn’t miss Kyle.

That would be a hell of an understatement.

Nick misses waking up and having to walk through the snow to get to class. He misses getting stopped on the mall by people handing out flyers. He misses only having games on the weekend. He misses going to his mother’s for dinner whenever he felt like it. He misses going to Mesa for lunch and getting three pieces of pizza with tortellini and taco fixings on top. He misses being surrounded by all the familiar boring shit home is made of.

He doesn’t miss it enough that he’d rather be back in college than playing in the NHL, but he does miss it. It was good. This is better though. This is the NHL. This is the dream.

The Panthers go to all their games on a private plane. They stay in nice hotels, and next year he won’t even have a roommate. There’s a lot to look forward to about next year.

Next year Kyle might be in Florida with him. Or maybe he’ll be in the A. If he’s with the Panthers maybe Nick will have a roommate even though he doesn’t have to. Maybe. There’s a whole lot of maybes about next year.

Kyle definitely won’t be in Minnesota next year though. He’ll be with Nick, or he won’t, but he won’t be in Minnesota. That means Nick will have to pick apart what it is to belong with a person from what it is to belong in a place.

 

The Panther’s plane lands in the Cities, and Nick doesn’t instantly feel like he’s at home, but he will soon. All the little airports they fly though blend together, concrete and stairs and signals. It doesn’t start to feel familiar until they get on the freeway. Nick knows these roads, it even feels like he knows this traffic. Cars here have the right license plates. 

Kyle picks him up from the hotel to go to dinner at his mom’s. Someone else could have done it. Nick could have taken a cab. He has the money, he could afford to take a cab from downtown Saint Paul out to Blaine.

They get forty minutes driving there and forty minutes driving back. Longer if the traffic’s bad. It might be the only time he and Kyle are alone together, unless Nick invites him up at the end of the night. 

Jonny would be cool about being somewhere else. Jonny might be busy being somewhere else anyway. He’s good at that. Nick can’t remember if he said anything about having plans. After they got up to the room Nick went through the regular rituals of settling in on autopilot while Jonny talked about something. Nick wasn’t paying attention, he was busy waiting for Kyle to text him.

Nick spends a lot of time waiting for Kyle to text him, but it isn’t usually about anything that matters. Usually they’re just shooting the shit, talking about their days. Now he’s waiting for Kyle to text him to come down to the car, to say he’s here.

 

The last time they saw each other was the day after Christmas. They managed to steal a couple hours away from their families before Nick had to get on a plane. The sex was quiet and hurried. Nick never really relaxed, but he knew they wouldn’t see each other again for more than a month. 

Afterwards Kyle helped Nick pack, and then they wound up making out again until his mom yelled that it was time to go. Nick’s mouth felt bruised, and he felt self conscious, sure that everyone must have known what they were just doing. They might have, but no one cared.

He hugged Kyle before they went out to their cars, kept apart by layers of winter clothes. Kyle held on for a beat longer than Nick would have, but that was good. It would be more than a month before they saw each other again. 

 

Nick has not been pining away for Kyle. He’s been playing hockey. They text like everyday. It isn’t the same, but it’s fine.

 

Nick’s phone buzzes in his hand. Kyle’s downstairs. Nick mumbles goodbye to Jonny, grabs his coat and gets going.

Kyle looks the same. Why wouldn’t he?

Nick folds himself into Kyle’s car, grinning. He doesn’t know what to say first. He doesn’t have to. Kyle says, “I missed you,” as he pulls away from the hotel, and then they’re off. It’s just like always, chattering away as they drive towards home.

It’s snowing, not hard, just enough to slow the traffic. They don’t have new things to talk about, but that’s never mattered. They have a lot of old stuff to bring up again. Kyle tells Nick about what’s up with the Gophers, about his classes, their shared friends. None of the stories feel new, even the ones from yesterday sound like they could have taken place when Nick was still in school. There’s something cool about that — the idea that things are just the same, even if he isn’t there anymore. Their little world has kept on going without him. It’s still around, waiting.

Dinner’s really nice. It’s good to see his family and everyone. It’s good to feel loved. It’s good to be at home, even if it’s only for a little while.

He’ll take this feeling back with him, and hold onto it until spring. He won’t get home again until their season is over, which he hopes won’t be for a good long while. This is going to have to be enough.

 

They get back in Kyle’s car, and head downtown. It’s dark now, and the roads are quieter, but not empty. They still have things to say to each other. And even when they run out of steam for a while, it’s alright. They’re comfortable in the quiet.

“When’s your first thing tomorrow?” Nick asks.

“Not too early. Late enough that I can stay out for a while longer.”

Nick hmmms, and says nothing. He texts Jonny, _Would it be a problem if I want the room to myself for a while?_

_I’m @ Charlie’s. Have fun, see u before morning skate._

Good for him.

Jonny’s good at that — having lots of people who he misses, who he can live without, and love whenever there’s a chance.

 

They get downtown. They’re only a couple of blocks from the hotel — Nick has to say something soon if Kyle’s going to park, not just drop him off under the awning.

 

“You gonna come up for a while?” Nick asks.

Kyle just smiles. There’s only one answer. It was never a real question. Nick never should have thought about it.

 

There is no one else in Nick’s life like Kyle. There is no one who knows him so well. There is no one who knows his body so intimately. There is no one whose skin he has been closer to. There is only Kyle.

Maybe by next year Nick will have learned how to miss him. Maybe by next year Kyle will feel like a separate person who Nick could miss, and not like an extension of himself. Maybe that’s the description Nick had been looking for — Kyle is like a phantom limb. Nick can feel Kyle’s presence even when he’s gone.

 

Nick falls asleep in Saint Paul. Kyle’s gone back to campus. Jonny never came back. He’s all alone.

The curtains are closed so he doesn’t know if it’s snowing.

This doesn’t feel like home, but it fits.


End file.
